[ times? braw? ayeee! ]

This ticker is going like a mofo! I’ve officialy lost a stone

[ a real update? maybe... ]

I’ve been so focussed on the Heaven ‘n’ Hell blog, that I keep forgetting about this one! Arg.

So, losing weight is back on track. I’ve now lost 10 pounds, and I’m feeling the difference. People are seeing it too. I can’t wait to see my mum next month, she’ll notice a big difference. I also had my birthday dress from last year on. When I wore it last year, I need them hold-in things to get the zip up. Not this time! Muahahaha! Skinny bugger Well, not quite, but I’m so excited about the whole thing. I can’t wait to see how I’ll look at Christmas

I’ve become a practical hermit with saving up for this house. I reckon I’ll get the cash together ok, but I’m still panicking in case I can’t. I wanna buy a good Halloween costume too, but I’m scared to spend any money! Should be ok though. I also don’t have to buy as much for it as I thought. Good times.

Me and Kriss have been getting on better than ever lately. Not that we weren’t getting on before, but lately it’s better than ever. I seriously heart him. ♥

Life is pretty damn good

[ oh yes...... ]

Rubbish at losing weight? Moi? PAH! Nonsense!

Go ticker go!!

[ homeless no more.... ]

I have a freaking place to live!

It’s not through the council, it’s a private let, but I can afford it! I actually cannot wait. Me and Kriss move in October 25th

Unfortunately though, I’m struggling with Scottish Slimmers. I keep forgetting to write things down. I’m hoping this’ll change when I move into the new place because I can plan my meals a lot better. Fingers crossed. I don’t wanna fall off this waggon now.

[ a proper entry ]

Aye, I suppose I owe you that!

So, life’s picked up a bit. I’m not sad anymore, because I’m genuinely doing something about my weight! Joined Scottish Slimmers again and feel more positive than ever. Today was my 4th weigh-in, and I’ve lost 5 and a half pounds so far. One and a half more, and I’ll be a whole half pound lighter I just feel so positive about the whole thing, because I KNOW I can do it. I’m also back at the gyn, which is great. I feel good about myself.

Kriss got into college, and I’m so happy for him We thought he had applied too late, but he got a phone call the other day offering him a place, which is excellent. Really chuffed for him.

Also (so much good stuff), we’re getting a bigger shop at work! The shop we wanted 3 years ago is finally ours, and we’ll have a beautiful big studio. I really cannot wait. Mary even says I can have a permanant easel and such set p to paint whenever I want. So exciting!

Also, I’m gonna be an auntie. Crazy times! Beckz is pregnant, and it’s my brother’s doing, haha! Really chuffed for them, although it is soon, I’m sure they’ll be fine. Jamie will be an amazing dad, I’m so happy for him

Life is peachy.

[ more weight stuff.... ]

Lost another pound. Go ticker go!

[ weight loss ]

I’m losing weight.

Go, ticker, go!

[ emotions, 'n' shit ]

I had a big emotional thing to write. I was thinking of it last night before I fell aleep. I can’t quite remember it, but here goes.

For those who read it, this is NOT aimed at anyone. This isn’t to make ANYONE feel bad. This is just what comes out as I type.

And yeah, it’s gonna be emo-ed out it’s tits most likely.

So, I noticed a trend in my life. I give too much. I give myself emotionally to too many people. I put my heart and soul into trying to make them happy, to cheer them up when they’re down, to listen when all they need is an ear, or to just lend that shoulder when someone needs to cry. I’ve actually prided myself on this, on my want to help others. And I think I do a reasonable job of it.

I’ve went to unreasonable lengths to help people. I’ve went out my way, I’ve done things that I maybe shouldn’t have, I’ve always put my friends first. Always. Right back from when I was a teenager.

One thing I don’t do easily is open up. I don’t let other people do the same for me. Why? Because it always ends in me upset. My already low expectations of how much people want to help me are never met. If I rely on people, I will get shot down. It always happens, sooner or later. And yet, I still give my everything to these people.  I remain as unselfish as I can possibly be.

But, every so often, I start to get close to people. I start to think maybe I can open up. Maybe I can ask for something. Maybe I can want something to happen for me, instead of for someone else. But, inevitably, it never goes well. And I never seem to learn. I always take it hard, and think why? Why did this happen? These people are my friends, aren’t they? ………are they?

So I’ve decided to not have expectations anymore. To expect nothing of anyone. If anyone does anything for me, it’ll be a bonus, not expected. That way, I can’t be upset again. I can be hurt again. I won’t lash out again when I get upset and hurt. I’ll just smile, and say “It’s fine”. Then everyone will be happy and no-one will feel any guilt. No-one will feel they have to apologise.

I’ll probably still be upset. I’ll still be hurt. But I can keep it to myself that way. So no-one will feel bad.

[ weight is a funny thing... ]

Man… Sometimes, I have no confidence. And other times, I don’t care.

Ealier today, I was thinking how I’m not fussed about my weight, and I will lose weight when I have my own place and can control my food more. But then I saw myself in the mirror a few minutes ago, and was horrified again.

Honestly. I need my own place. I need to sort this out. I want so badly to lose weight. I have a few days when I’m great, stay off the chocolate, watch my calorie intake etc. Then the next day, I have a takeaway and it’s like my last few days didn’t even happen.

I’m seriously considering hypnotism.

[ let's have a quickie, shall we? ]

Goddamn. I had this started, and my damn Blackberry refreshed. How annoying is that?!

Where was I….?

Oh yeah.

So, as always, life has changed recently. Friends have drifted away, new friends have gotten closer. Some days I feel really fucking saddened by the full thing. Some days I figure they’re much better off because they’re happy. It’s strange.

I just found out my Auntie is splitting from my uncle, her husband of 18 years. I didn’t really see it coming, but I wasn’t crazy surprised either. I dunno. It did make me a little sad though. To be honest, I feel quite worried that the women in my family have almost all split from their long term partners. Am I destined to be the same? It is a bit of a worry. It made me more aware that me and Kriss aren’t in the honeymoon period anymore. We have to work at our relationship to keep it as good as it’s been. I really hope it stays this way. I’d be devastated if it all went wrong.

I’ve been broody as hell recently. It ain’t good, but part of me would love to start a family, even though it would never work right now. I keep having little daydreams about having a baby and being happy in my own house and such. It’s weird because it’s something I’ve never wanted, is kids. I dunno, maybe it’s just a phase….